Last

It's been more than a year now since I've written in this blog. I've thought about coming back to it, but have either been too lazy to, or thought it better not to. A lot of the ugly from my life is in this blog. My life has changed a lot in the last three years. Rapidly, dramatically. It wasn't expected, really, no positive change was really expected. But, in that, I've gone against my own belief of the dawn coming after the storm. Storms still come and go, they always will, but that's just life I guess. I'm still sitting here, like I've always been, trying to figure out my life and what I'm supposed to do with it. It still scares me like hell, and I'm still really confused, but, thanks to a handful of people, I've been able to keep walking, stressed or not. But I'm still around, and I'm thankful for that.

I think I might stop posting in this blog after this entry. I think it's time to move on from the part of my life that this blog contains. I'm ready to put it behind me, and leave it there. It took me three years to write that, and really make the final closing statement in my head, but at least it's happened. For anyone who reads this thing, sorry for always having been so crabby in here. haha. It's not the most pleasant sound of my voice resonating in this blog, I know. For that, I apologize. I started a new blog, one that I have made with the intention of tracking the happies in my life. I'm beginning to think it's probably really beneficial to reflect on the positive things in your life, that it will help keep you more happy. I've noticed that whenever I read over this fellow here, I only ever feel bad again. It's not a nice feeling really. I've called it "the.flip.side". The name sort of speaks for itself...

For anyone else who is still in this kind of place in their lives, I would like to say this: please don't stop moving forward. Always move forward, because no matter how long it takes and how bad it gets, I promise you, it will get better.

Catch you kids on the flip side. (No pun intended.)(Kind of.)

P.S. - Happy Birthday, my rubber ducky.

Fires

It's so far said that the wildfires in Australia were intentionally set by an arson, some asshole.

...

I just read an article in The Boston Globe about the animals that died in Victoria. In that same article, they reported that 181 humans have died. One hundred and eighty one humans, people, in a blazing inferno. Millions of animals more, who are even more so unable to escape something like an uncontainable fire.

I can't understand why the hell someone would set off a fire like this, knowing full and well what kind of destruction it will cause. Why? Yeah, some people just want to watch the world burn. Maybe there are others who would like to see those people burn. I might be one of them, but I don't know yet.

Does killing life mean nothing to you? It's one thing to try and do off with someone who is actually able to survive, and make it through. I'm not saying it's right at all, not in any way, but at least we as people are capable of getting out of those kinds of situations, somehow, even if the chances are minute. But living in Australia, you'd have to be the dumbest fuck out there to not know how much wildlife thrives in those woods. And to set all of that on fire, knowing that they can't help themselves even in the slightest, why would you do it?

Some people are disgusting, and I can't fathom how or why they are still living on this planet.

Color

I'm starting to wonder if I'm back at that bad place, and if things are going wrong again. I'm beginning to question why I feel hollow so suddenly, so unexpectedly. I think there's something wrong with me. Better yet, there is. I'm not your normal person, and I don't have a pretty little past. I'm partly your average Joe, partly your twisted teen. But more than that, and not in the middle, I'm nothing like the two, and I've put myself in some undefined space.
I've tried to figure out who I am, and have only concluded that I know jack-shit. I've tried to find some place in life, only to realize it's not just too early, but that I end up where I started.
Things are near gray and black, and the multi-color's gone. The pictured frame is lacking shape, and I'm not sure where I'm at. This messy puddle has spilled over the brim, onto the floor surrounding all that is me. It is in this pool that I try to find myself, only to realize, I can't be freed. It's onto a new chapter, where I'm going to try again, to let things out, and let others in. If I can do it, I don't know, I'm not sure. Hopefully it will be done, because I won't stay here in this square. I've got things to do, and I'm going to get there.
I'm tired of pencil, I'm going to use crayons, and color my little world with blue, green, and light.

--V

Fuck You, Again.

I wonder how many people in this world live the kind of life I live. I wonder how many people get flack from their teachers about their health, about not being smart enough, about not being capable of doing things. I wonder how many people know what it's like to be told by their parents that everyone in their child's pool of study is brighter than they are, or what it's like to be abused and not be allowed to talk about it for fear of what will happen. I wonder how many kids know what it's like to live in fear. I wonder how many truly know what it's like to be in a long distance relationship, to be in love with someone thousands of miles away, and not be able to hold and kiss them whenever you feel like it. I wonder how many kids my age have been put down their entire lives by everyone who surrounds them. I wonder how many of those kids still try to stand up at the end of the day.

I wonder how many have been stabbed in the back repeatedly by others who are supposed to be their best friends, in an endless cycle of friends who come and go. I wonder how many kids know what it feels like to be neglected by their parents, and grow up without them even when they're there.

I wonder how many kids really, really know what it feels like to be alone, and have no support from anyone.

I wonder how many kids have been ripped apart, and forced to put themselves back together, by themselves, so no one can know that they are broken in the first place.

I wonder how many kids just wish that the rest of the world saw everyone for who they truly are, not the show they put on for others to see.

I wonder what's wrong with this world. What's wrong with me. What's wrong with you, and everyone around you.

--V

The End.

What is with this constant take, and take, and take, and no give?
Who are you to think you can play this game with me? To think that you have some awe-some power that makes you so fucking great to take advantage of the person I am? You trot about whining and crying about all of your fucking problems, how people take advantage of you and how you hate it. But look at you, how are you ANY fucking different than them? A really well known quote goes as follows; 'You need to be the change you want to see in the world.'

For all of the time I have become aware of your existence, I have known you to be selfish. But when I first met you, I knew you not well enough to tell you so without seeming harsh or frank. Now, now I know you better than anyone else. I know the real you, what you are at your absolute worst, and how you are when you feel your best. I also know every single one of your in-betweens. For each, I have to unfortunately say, none of them are good, and that's what I can't understand.

Before you had hit rock bottom, and before you subconsciously rearranged your entire structure, I knew your limbo's to have been better. I knew you to be genuine, and I defended that in front of the faces I fear and respect most. I did the opposite of what I stand to believe in their presence, I disrespected them in the worst possible way, to defend you and your petty self. And what for? What was any of that screaming, fighting, psychotisism good for? Absolutely nothing. Like many of the other things I thought I knew to be true about you, it all meant nothing. It's by far one of the biggest let-downs I have ever seen in the entirety of this semi-psuedo thing called friendship.

Perhaps no rearranging had been done, maybe you never changed anything, and I have just been completely blind and naive to everything I have subconsciously known. Maybe it was my fault for ignoring the bland signs of nature, because I believe in second chances and finding the better in people. Maybe it's my own fault, for not really seeing you as you were when I had the chance.

Aside from asking you who the fuck you think you are, I'd like to lay something down, something I should have done a long ass time ago.

If this "friendship" means anything to you, you'll change from this self-absorbed bitch get-up you're so fucking sucked into. Really, get your head out of other people's asses and stop looking like and irresponsible idiot. I'm not your fucking mother, I'm done picking up this mess you've left behind, and I'm sure as hell done cleaning up after you. Learn to live the way you've made me live for more than a year now, learn to GET OVER SHIT on your own, without the help of your friends, without someone there to constantly fucking baby you, like I've had to do for the past... how long? I'm done. I can't count anymore how many times I've told you 'Well, now you know how it feels.', and how many times it's traveled into one ear and out the other.

I hope you know, I'm not fucking blind, and I'm sure as hell not stupid. I'm finished with people taking my hand for granted, and I'm done letting you feel all superior, and walk on me when you should be shaking my hand. Yeah, I know you've been through your share of shit. Open your eyes, you only know a fraction of the shit I've been going through on top of dealing with the shit you constantly throw at me, because you're too fucking busy being self-absorbed and selfish, doing nothing but looking for someone to cry your oh-so-terrible problems to.

Unless you plan on changing and fixing shit sometime soon, as of right now, this friendship is done. I'm through fixing shit I shouldn't even care about. I'm not going to do my part AND yours.

Game Over.

Now, to hit 'Send'.

Economy

So, I just spent the last half hour talking to my mom about, basically, the economy. I came to find that neither of my parents have taken a pay check in over 6 months. We're living totally on savings my parents have kept in the past years. See, my parents run a shop. They make money off of what customers buy in the shop, but with the economy being such a butt fucker, people don't have money to spend. Without consumers having money to spend, vendors will receive no money, and so, make no profit because their products are still holding a literal shelf life. With those products still being on the shelf, those vendors obviously will have no literal or metaphorical bread and butter to bring home; even more so because the prices of food products are climbing on the daily.

My mom was saying that if we make it through this, then we'll turn out alright in the end. If the government can fix the problems of unemployment, and raise salaries overall, we wouldn't have these problems. But then I took a walk around the house, and was thinking 'How the hell are we supposed to do that? We're so fucked backwards in the ass that it's nearly impossible to fix this mess with everyone still getting what they want. Mostly, to fix this, there would have to be sacrifices in the area of oil and all major imports. But, no one would comply with that. Too many people get selfish over needing gas, but, can you blame them? They need that gas to get to work, where they will make a little bit of money, to bring home a little bit of bread and butter and get by." Then, I realized that we're all just dancing in circles. It seems almost pointless.

Just yesterday, I was reading an article about how people have opportunities to become happy, but they don't seize them. One of the things the studies of the article found was that a person's happiness is greatly affected by their surrounding economy. America ranked the 16th happiest country in the world after studying patters of 52 countries from 1984 [82?] to 2008. I was surprised, I actually thought we'd be lower down the ladder. Maybe in a few years, we will be.

I find it difficult to understand how people can be happy after recognizing all events that affect their lives, and after acknowledging all of their responsibilities at this present time in life. Yes, it is easy to be happy. But, to do that right now, where we live, you'd basically have to force yourself to become ignorant of your surroundings so that you won't have to become aware of global issues that pertain to you directly.

That threat of there being a new war in Iran, it's going to kick the prices of barrels of oil through the ground [not the roof], and it's going to go so far as to end up on the other side of the world. They're estimated to reach $300 to $400 a barrel, if not more. This will make one gallon of gas more than $12, which will affect absolutely EVERYTHING. No one will commute to any place in some object that uses gas unless they are godly rich or totally desperate. Even vehicles of mass transport, like buses or trains, won't be used. Therefore, very few will get to work, very few will make money [and that will be very little money, keep in mind], the few that make a little money won't have enough to spend on essentials like food, so nothing will be bought in stores, so people who even show up to work in those stores will make little to no money and also have no money to spend, and so on and so forth, therefore completely crashing the whole economy into a rock solid wall. More circles.

You may be wondering why I'm even worrying about this, being the age I am and the state or place I'm in in life. Well, as of next year, I'm supposed to pack up and head off to college, where I'm supposed to spend $50 grand a year on tuition, and learn something over the course of anywhere between 4 years and a life time, so I can get a good job somewhere, buy a house, have a family, put food on the table, pay bills... all that jazz. Well, seeing as how fucked we currently are and how much more fucked we will be in the future, I'm probably not going to be able to accomplish anymore than 25% of what I just stated above. I don't know how my parents or I will pay for all of the college fees for that many years, and then afterwards, I really don't know how I'm going to get a job when no place can afford to hire people and pay them. Therefore, no house, no family for a long time, and in effect, not the whole shabang-feast either.

Really, I know I live in the so-called Land of Opportunity, America the Great, Home of the Brave; but, honestly, look at us. As of right now, we pretty much suck. Yes, I know I should be appreciative to be living in a place like this, and don't get me wrong, I very much am, but I don't think I'm living in a place people make out to be the golden land. Shit is fucked up.

--V

Parallel Universes

5.17.08

Ok, so , I'm going to rant on a theory I have that is based on pretty much nothing except for Sci-Fi and out-there beliefs.

I was on WikiAnswers, and I saw someone ask the question of if there was time before the Big Bang. When I saw the question, my mind immediately said 'no', because time itself is purely a human concept. We created the so- called 'time' to keep things in order. There is no proof that time is an actual thing, so in fact, time does not exist anywhere except for in the mind of a human.

Anyway, [lol], I was reading the response to this person's question, and the responder mentioned something about the existence of parallel universes, and that the idea of them offers the possibility that 'not only time, but many other universes may exist very close to our own, but inaccessibly (at present) locked into dimensional warps.'

Hmmm. Well.... I for one didn't even know that mainstream scientists were even investigating the possibility of parallel universes.

Now, for the theory part. In my opinion, I think these parallel universes DO exist. I think this for a few reasons. One thing, how can someone say they don't exist? We have no way of knowing if they do or not, b/c we don't have advanced enough technology to step outside our own universe, and with it's constant rate of expansion being faster than our development of technology, we may never know. Secondly, this has been something that i have talked about with a close friend of mine;

You know all those vivid oral stories that are passed down through handfuls of generations in a culture? The ones that talk about 3 headed monsters, or mermaids and fairies, or ones that talk about animals that can talk, or morphing beings? Or the rumors of dwarfs and elves, and Big Foot or the Lochness Monster? Who is to say that those stories aren;t real? They are birthed through the human imagination, yes, but, how they got there? That may be where the parallel universe steps in. In order for the human mind to think of something so splendid, the mind must be inflicted by some exterior happening. It's like with dreams. If you have a dream about a tiger, or a tiger is in your dream, some time throughout the previous day, you more than likely interacted with something that had to do with a tiger, whether it was something visual, audio, a thought, or touch.

In order for the people who came up with the fables, they had to have interacted with something that had to do with fairies or mermaids or minotaurs for those kinds of ideas to have been put in their mind in the first place.

If you want to argue that that is imagination, then step back for a second. Let's say 'God' put those ideas in your imagination. There are a few things I could say about that, but for now; Tell me, where is God? Not in space. Even though people call space 'the heavens', God is not up there sitting in a meditative state on some planet. Yet, people say he [or she] exists. So, what if he or she is in one of these parallel universes.

What about Deja Vu? Explain that. That could also be happening in a parallel universe. We could coincidentally be doing something in another universe that is an exact copy of our lives here in this universe.

So, where did those mythical creatures come from? Where did those fantastical ideas arise out of? It might sound stupid, but I think that they may have come from those so-called parallel universes. ....Have any of you ever seen the movie The Last Mimzy? Think back to the part where they discover that Mimzy has technology more advanced than we could ever imagine. The same thing happens in The Transformers.

People theorize that aliens have technology that is much more advanced than our own, and that is how they come to earth, and that is how they interfere with military signals or whatever it is "they" 'do'. How do you know if the 'things' in parallel universes don't have that same kind of advanced technology? How do we know if there isn't a parallel universe right next to us, filled with humans controlled by some Mega-monster dictator? Or if the parallel universe isn't filled with some conception of The Matrix, or of zombies?

The answer is, we don't know. We can't know for a long time, and when that long time comes, who knows if we'll be advanced enough. Either way, it's still fun to wonder.

End opinion: I think parallel universes exist, and it's totally awesome.

----------------------

7.10.08

So, I'm tweaked right now. I was just watching a documentary on the Science channel about parallel universes, and at the very end, one of the men being interviewed said that it seemed very possible to create a universe, which would create it's own space and splice itself from our universe without displacing anything in it.

This makes me think, what if we were created, just like how those scientists are working on creating a universe? I mean, we say that there are other life forms who have much more advanced technologies than us [i.e.- aliens, which I will discuss later], so, it's very possible that they have long since had the tech to make a universe. We're close enough, and they are all far ahead of us, so it's really probable.

That could be why we can't explain stuff, or why some say there's a God that created us. God, being, something to have been powerful enough to make us. That God could very well be some screwy scientist having fun in the lab making universes away, controlling what happens with laws of math and physics. Controlling how many particles and how much of a leakage of gravity would see into those multiple universes, or the multiverse itself.

Moving on to the aliens, and parallel universes. Since I now know that the idea of parallel universes is widely accepted, and pretty provable, I'm going to feel free to say that this gives more reason to believe in life forms other than those which exist on this planet. I'm going to side track for a minute; one of [if not The One] the accepted theories on the creation of this universe is the Big Bang Theory. There are many theories on how the Big Bang happened, but the one I'm going to talk about is the theory that two universes collided. I think I mentioned this back in May, but the thought of two universes colliding is something I've long thought about before I ever watched this freakin' document, or even heard of the idea from somewhere else. [This actually makes me pretty mad. It took physicists 10 years to figure that out. I did in like.. 5 minutes. Yet, I still suck at the SAT and other stupid shit. How unfair. =(. There is also something else I read that also pisses me off, because it's something I thought about way before I read the article. haha.]

Basically, we only know.. err... theorize that two universes may have collided to create a third. We don't know anything about other plausible universes or what is inside of them, we only know some of what is in our own, so we shouldn't bet on finding out about others any time soon. Saying this, we don't know for sure if there is some other life form in another universe, or what anything in that universe is like. It could be the same as ours, or completely opposite, or it could have it's own set of laws of physics that defy every law we know that is somehow correlated with forces we recognize such as gravity and matter. I wouldn't be surprised if aliens existed in a universe other than our own. It would explain why we rarely, but do, encounter them. I'd imagine it'd at least take them a few hours to get to Earth, even with advanced technology. Them being from some place else probably also explains why we don't recognize the 'technologies' of their 'UFO's'.

[I feel really silly for writing that^. haha.]

Onto the other thing that made me mad. I read an interview that Discover magazine had with cosmologist, Max Tegmark. He apparently submitted a theory about there being multiple parallel universes, each one with a bunch of different you's. Correct me if I'm wrong, but, isn't that the same thing as what I wrote in May?? ......

This guy has a PhD, went to Berkeley to get it, and was enrolled in two colleges in Sweden before coming to the US. I'm a 17 year old girl stuck in Old-People, Florida, and I don't even have a high school diploma yet. What does that say about having your PhD and being some famous scientist as opposed to being just some small town girl? There's no difference!

End conclusion: I guess this wasn't just a rant based on Sci-Fi and out-there theories, scientists actually consider this. lol. Kooll.

--V